Navigating Hormones as a Non-Binary Person
I left home and moved states so i could start a new life.
Before I had left, I’d set up an appointment in my new city for HRT (at a place with its own trans division!). After arriving and seeing more signs of the pandemic sprout up around me each day, I worried.
Mainly, I didn’t want it to be pushed back (it was).
Still — I had waited my whole life for this. It would be okay.
At the first appointment, I was asked a lot of questions. I had a hard time answering them. Many of the questions seemed incredibly personal and designed to make me doubt myself in subtle ways.
All I knew was that I hated it, and hated that I did.
I’d met with someone, and she told me she went to the same place — said it only took her one appointment to start blood-work and get a prescription.
It might not be long; I was optimistic.
Another appointment was set for another month out.
My therapist asked about my childhood, including the parts I don’t remember well. With every question it felt like I had to prove, somehow, that I was “trans enough” though she acted like she was trying to help me.
I tried to appear as stereotypical as possible and give well reasoned answers, focused on the effects I wanted to achieve. The next appointment she casually asked if I was autistic (shit, my cover was blown).
I questioned whether I actually was non-binary.
Should I say I was wrong? That I was just a simple girl that only ever wanted to play with dolls and wear makeup as a kid (just please give me help — I’ll tell you what you want).
For about six months my mental health suffered, and I just wanted it to end.
When she finally said she felt “comfortable” writing my letter of support, I expected to be happy. I mostly just felt dead inside, what spark was left still dwindling.
Why a Non-Binary Person Might Want HRT
This seems to be something a lot of people have trouble understanding, but it’s not too complicated.
There are a range of physical, social, and psychological ills that come with gender dysphoria — the feeling that you’re not in your right body, that other see you as “the wrong thing,” that you’re not you.
For some people, medication is a huge part in alleviating these issues.
It’s worth questioning, however, if there needs to be a “solid” reason in the first place. As far as it doesn’t cause harm, I believe in the right to human self determination, for people to be happy and flourish.
This is especially true for young trans and non-binary people, who are so often targeted by hateful legislation.
The science is clear, but the people targeting these youth are (and always have been) fundamentally anti-science. Gender-affirming care is, for the vast majority of people an overwhelmingly positive thing.
Puberty blockers save lives. These medications save lives.
Would it be so bad if people were allowed to be themselves?
What are people afraid of?
(Perhaps cis people should just stop caring so much and let doctors and their patients handle things.)
Finding a Regimen that Works
For people that shift around the gender spectrum or find themselves somewhere else, starting HRT can be a bit more complicated.
There are, however, a lot of options and configurations out there you can try. The additional gatekeeping doesn’t help, but finding someone out there who will listen and help is important.
It took me a while for me to get where I’m at.
For me, it was necessary and I wouldn’t be here without it.
Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not enough or that you don’t deserve to live your best life.
